I’m torn between my girlfriend and my ex. I don’t know what to do | Life and magnificence


I’m in a type of love triangle and am so confused about what to do. I don’t know the way I ended up moving into this example, however I’m discovering it very troublesome to get out of it.

I met my ex eight years in the past, whereas I lived overseas, fell in love after which realised she had bipolar disorder. She got here again to England with me for a quick whereas after which went again residence, solely to return again to review once more. It was very forwards and backwards for a few years. We broke up, obtained engaged however then it fell aside once more and we stopped speaking as a lot. I met another person 2 years in the past and it was nice, however I all the time felt this pull to my ex and by no means actually let go. I went to see my ex on quite a lot of events, considering that I’d speak to her in individual and know what was the appropriate factor to do. I used to be by no means in a position to provide you with the phrases, so it dragged on.

About 4 months in the past, my present girlfriend discovered that I had been to see my ex and we had been on the verge of breaking apart. I attempted to place issues proper along with her and it has been a really troublesome and darkish few months. She has forgiven me to an extent, however I nonetheless haven’t been in a position to let go of my ex.

It has obtained to a degree now that I’ve advised my girlfriend that we have to have a break so I can type myself out. She has moved out and I do miss her quite a bit. However, as my ex is in a nasty place in the meanwhile, too, I’ve promised her I am going to go and see her so we will speak. I simply don’t know what to do. I really feel I ought to speak to her and it might give me the chance to see precisely if there may be something there. The house away from my girlfriend, I hope, would make me realise that she is the 1 for me and are available again to her in a happier place the place I really feel I will be joyful and provides 100%.

I’m on the level in my lifetime of actually desirous to cool down and be joyful. I simply don’t know which route is the appropriate 1 in the meanwhile as I’m drawn to them each in several methods – they each have superb qualities.

I’m not certain of your age – you didn’t give it – however from what you have got stated it appears you met your ex in your early 20s, perhaps even your late teenagers. Anecdotally, these we fall in love with at the moment – early maturity – can have an actual maintain on us, even lengthy after the connection is over.

The finish of your relationship sounds messy and fragmented and this may generally make us need us to return and repair it, or do issues in a different way – higher. There actually appears to be an unwillingness to let go. Does your ex have good assist for her bipolar dysfunction? Do you’re feeling accountable for her?

Your indecision was rife all through your letter and I discovered myself desirous to know a bit extra about your youth – had been your choices validated? Did you develop up feeling you may make choices for your self? Does your ex- girlfriend faucet into one thing – does she remind you of a member of the family whom you realized you needed to be accountable for or couldn’t be trustworthy with?

Sometimes once we discover ourselves performing in a lower than clear trend and never in a means we wish to, it could be as a result of an individual in entrance of us reminds us of somebody in our formative previous. Thus the kid with the brittle/fragile/overbearing mother or father or sibling, grows as much as be an grownup who finds it onerous to say what they actually imply to different folks with these character traits, for worry of upsetting them.

I do know that when an individual – particularly a person – is caught between 2 folks, this may come throughout as weak, indulgent and grasping. There is actually not a variety of sympathy to go round. The actuality is something however; it makes you’re feeling fully wretched and after some time can begin to erode your vanity. It is necessary, nevertheless, to understand you have got management over your scenario.

The reply to your dilemma is that, very in all probability, neither of those ladies is best for you. When there’s a selection between 2 folks, it’s not all the time a case that certainly one of them have to be best for you, in case you may solely work out which. It is extra seemingly that you’ve 2 not-quite-right-for you folks in entrance of you on the similar time. I believe the truth that you’re feeling able to “settle down” is making you take a look at your scenario and consider – and that’s good. Just don’t mistake availability for suitability.

My recommendation is to interrupt from each ladies. Let them be free to satisfy another person in the event that they select to. Don’t give them false hope and string each of them alongside – that could be actually uncool.

I do know this isn’t going to be simple for you due to your indecision, however you additionally appear to be making an attempt to maintain everybody joyful (besides they don’t seem to be, and you aren’t, both). But it’s a must to do it, in any other case you will make a extremely massive mess.

So take time to search out out a bit extra about your self, who you actually are, and what you need. Our personal insecurities could make us indecisive – and I believe these 2 ladies are manifestations of yours. Take time to work this out now and there’s no cause you possibly can’t cool down sooner or later. But don’t be stunned whether it is with somebody you haven’t met but.

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Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or e mail [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she can’t enter into private correspondence

Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB

Annalisa Barbieri from theguardian.com

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